Waste of Space

After hearing about Asperger syndrome, my wife and I have joked that this is what I had and why I was the way I was. It wasn’t until later that we stopped joking and seriously started considering that it may be true. Thanks to more and more stories and studies done about this disorder, we were easily able to find out just how closely I exhibit the traits of those described with AS.

A friend of ours lent a book to my wife called Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger’s and I went out and got the audiobook version. I was amazed to find out that someone else had the same type of “thought pattern” and behavior’s as I do. I didn’t feel quite so alone in the world.

Many people that know me may not realize it, but social interaction (for me) is almost always “forced”. By that, I mean that I’ve thought about how a person is supposed to react to a situation and forced my fears to the side and spoke to you. In the mid to late 90’s, I went to various nightclubs and bars as a way to try and rid myself of this way of life that I been leading. I tried to make myself into someone I wasn’t and only found that I seemed to be role-playing a life that was never mine. I’m sure that I probably hurt a lot of people back then as a result, but I can’t really remember much of it.

I think my lacking memory of most social interactions in my past is because it wasn’t “me” in those situations…. I was playing the role of someone else that I thought people wanted me to be. It’s like that saying about how it’s easier to remember the truth rather than a lie. I think this is the cause behind my lack of memory… I mean, how could I remember so many details from my early childhood and NOT recall my life from 10 – 15 years ago?? I’ve even had relationships that I only remember because of pictures.

If you were hurt by me, I’m truly sorry….

In retrospect, I wish that I would have been diagnosed with this (or whatever I have) sooner… so I could have told people why I am the way I am. Instead, I chose to hide it and be someone else. Having to “learn” how to interact with people on my own has NOT been an easy/quick journey. It’s only been since the last couple of years that I’ve been able to understand how to interact with people… and it almost seems natural to me now. Almost.

There’s still the fact that I think EVERY little thing through… beyond whatever was intended. I seem to take forever to answer simple questions like ‘What kind of vehicle do you drive?” or “How do you feel today?” If I didn’t bring my wife with me to the Doctor’s office, I’d be there for hours trying to fill out their forms. Literal interpretations of things and thinking too much into something have got me into a lot of trouble. When I took my SAT’s in high school, I don’t think I finished in time because I found too many faults in the questions being asked…. thus resulting in my low scores. I think I got a 600 or 700… combined score. I usually failed most of my classes and attended summer school every year…. despite having set the grading curve on many exams and passing my tests.

It was my thinking that if I learned how to do something, why should I have to bring it home and do it again? I hated homework, but couldn’t express my views to my parents because I didn’t know how and was ashamed of myself for being “broken” (in my eyes).

Just a little earlier today, on our way home from Target, we passed a car that had a magnetic sign on the side that was advertising something that mentioned “Save the Planet”. I started to chuckle and tell Miranda how incorrect that statement was. “It should really read ‘Save the Humans’.” I told her, “The Earth will be fine, even if we kill all the animals and humans on it. Look at the other planets in the solar system, they are fine without us. The Earth has been through a lot worse than we can imagine living through, so it should really read ‘Save the Humans’.”

“You’re reading too much into it.” she said. I can’t help it…. it’s how I am. I don’t pretend to be saving the “planet”…. we are trying to save the “environment”, but I suppose “planet” sounds less selfish than “humans”. It’s like this for pretty much everything…. I find myself keeping my mouth shut about a lot of things because of this.

Sorry… tangent.

I even feel that these traits of mine are becoming noticed at work. I’ll nit-pick every little thing…. I was recently asked if we could install Winzip 12 on a server, but I could not provide a straight answer. Our Windows servers are built with Winzip 10, so I started thinking “…are we licensed to install 12 on a server? we may be able to on our laptops, but what does the EULA say? Has it been thoroughly tested/approved in a Lab environment before putting it on production servers?”

If only that person would have asked someone else…. maybe they would have just said “Sure, we can do that!” Instead, I find myself constantly telling people that they’ll have to ask my manager. I’m a stickler for procedures in a world where it’s hard to find any.

Some other AS traits I have seem to be the “rocking” back and forth or repetitive movements that drive my wife nuts. I’ve also found that I’l start getting fidgety when in social situations or groups of people. I’ll often have to hold on to my hands to prevent them form moving about and grabbing my ear repeatedly. I also find solace in being buried under pillows (especially on my head) or while under the bed. For some reason, that sort of thing relaxes me….. but put someone else in there with me and I’ll get anxious and claustrophobic. I have an unusually high sensitivity to sounds…. hearing things that others can’t. I have been able to tell people when an electrical appliance was turned on in another room…. or in a different apartment. I can hear clocks/wristwatches ticking in other rooms. I had to take the battery out of a wristwatch I got as a present because stuffing it under a bunch of socks at the bottom of a drawer didn’t silence it enough. I have an aptitude towards science and many other concepts/ideas, but don’t have vocabulary to explain what’s going on in my head to others.

I’m on some meds that help tone down the anxious feelings, but I still have to resort to popping a Xanax every so often. I don’t like having to do that, but if it means making me appear more “normal”, so be it. As much as I may seem to enjoy the solitude, I like to be around people and involved in conversation… I’m just really bad at it.

I hope that some sort of “cure” is found for AS, because I wouldn’t want my kid(s) to go through this. At least I’ll have the experience with it to be able to identify if they’ve inherited it.

I could go on for quite some time, but I think that this will do for now. I’m going to make myself a PB & J sandwich.

Cheers,
Mark

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